


Whispers Would Deafen Me Now

by FayeHunter



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst but with a comfort ending, Established Relationship, M/M, its a semi sequel to the cardigan fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:46:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27444352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayeHunter/pseuds/FayeHunter
Summary: Sometimes life is hard for Luke. At least there's always Ashton
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Kudos: 25





	Whispers Would Deafen Me Now

**Author's Note:**

> This was a prompt from Maggie for "another angst prompt for you when the time to write it comes: “It’s not that easy.” for lashton" and I was in that mood this weekend, so I looped It's All So Incredibly Loud by Glass Animals and wrote this. In many ways, it is the spiritual sequel to [And when I said I was an old cardigan](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25569265) so give that a read too. Shout out to Liz for editing this!
> 
> Title from It's All So Incredibly Loud by Glass Animals

Luke’s been off kilter all week. He’s had a good few weeks, learning to cook with Ashton, laughing wildly when Ashton started spinning him around the kitchen, dancing, writing music, playing guitar. He’s gotten to take Petunia for walks with Ashton, holding hands and stealing kisses on the sidewalk. He’s been freeing, getting to live with this kind of abandon and carefree attitude to life, joyful and excited for each morning. It was inevitable that it would come crashing down.

Luke got stuck on a song on Monday. In the grand scheme of things, getting stuck on  _ one song _ wasn’t the end of the world. He had the melody, he had a theme, he just...can’t find the words for feelings he has, the ideas swirling around in his head. He keeps telling himself to put the song down, think on it, come back to it, but each day that passes the song nags at him. Reminds him that he’s not working on it as he tries to make lunch or watch a movie with Ashton or play in the background with Petunia. Reminds him that he’s a failure who can’t write, can’t finish a song, is wasting his time. He’s been on edge the whole time since, constantly thinking about the song, anxious that he’s not working on it and anxious that he can’t think of how to work on it and just... _ anxious. _ Eventually, the tension had built up in his lungs, squeezed at them, until it felt like he couldn't  _ breathe. _

He and Ashton got into a fight that morning. Luke woke up and felt  _ wrong. _ If pressed, he couldn’t explain what was wrong just that it felt like he was crawling out of his skin, itchy and uncomfortable in his body, in his mind. Ashton hadn’t done anything wrong, just asked Luke if he wanted to get lunch with Michael and Calum and kept pushing and pushing until Luke snapped, shouted out some nasty words before storming off to the his room (even though he’s been staying in Ash’s since the night on the patio) and slammed the door. He’d flopped down the bed, bitter and angry, hot tears streaming from the corner of his eyes until he couldn’t cry anymore, emotions ran out, lifeless and doll-like. He’s been listening to the static of his brain since, telling him  _ he’s worthless  _ and  _ a burden _ and  _ why does anyone put up with him anyway if he’s such an awful, terrible person. _

That’s how Ashton finds Luke when he gets home. Luke’s not sure how long he’s been like this, just knows that he’s been there for a while. The day has passed in a hazy blur, the early light of day fading to sunsetting in the afternoon and Luke hasn’t moved. He’s fuzzily aware of the fact that he has to have left the bed at some point, gotten up to get water or food or to feed Petunia, but he’s also not  _ sure.  _ Luke’s been laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, phone playing music he’s not listening to on a loop. Luke’s been telling himself he’ll get up soon, but if Ashton’s home, he clearly has missed his chance to get up, pretend he’s fine, pretend he’s  _ normal. _

Ashton pokes his head into the bedroom, frowning when he sees Luke on the bed. Luke’s vaguely aware of the fact that Ashton’s got his disappointed face on now, knows he should be upset that he’s upset Ashton but Luke just doesn’t  _ care.  _ He can’t muster the energy to care, to have an emotion, to  _ feel _ something. He’s burned through all his anger and upset earlier in their fight and now he just feels dull and void. 

Ashton crosses the room, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. Cautiously, he puts a hand on Luke’s head, running his fingers through Luke’s curls. 

“I’m not upset Luke,” Ashton says. Luke opens his mouth to speak and finds that even the idea of talking tires him out, all the energy drained from his body. Instead he just shrugs, shifting his gaze from Ashton back to the ceiling. 

“Luke?”

“Hm?” Luke hums, finding that even making that noise is too much for him. 

Ashton huffs, “What’s gotten into you?” 

“Life,” Luke mumbles, shrugging. It’s barely louder than a whisper, voice quiet and scratchy from lack of use. 

Ashton makes a sympathetic noise, “You were doing so well Lu.” 

“It’s not that easy Ashton. I can’t predict how I’m going to feel or what’s going to happen. I just feel  _ off.  _ I don’t feel right. I can’t get the voices to stop. It’s like something is crawling at me, trying to get out, except I can’t bring myself to  _ care, _ ” Luke says in a rush, drained from the sudden need to speak, the words spilling out of him. He pulls away from Ashton, curling up on his side as he feels the tears prickly at the corner of his eyes. 

Ashton makes another sad sound, leaning over to brush on Luke’s hair again, tries to press a kiss to his head. Luke shys away from the touch, curling further in on himself. He’s not even sure why he’s crying, thinks he’s body’s just drained and tired. His brain is still playing its broken record loop of words and static that Luke can’t pick apart right now. 

He feels Ashton stand, hears him leave the room. Luke can feel the tears spilling from his eyes. He must really be broken, defective if even Ashton is leaving.

A soft thump lands on the bed and Luke startles when he feels Petunia start licking his face, hears her snuffling. She lets out a heavy sigh and flops down, resting her head under Luke’s chin and sighing again. 

“She missed you. Was whining at the bedroom door when I got home. I’m going to go get you some food okay?” Ashton says. Luke nods, still startled by the fact that Petunia keeps snuffling against him, wriggling around while she gets comfortable. Ashton leans over, pressing a kiss to Luke’s cheek, brushing a curl out of the way.

He keeps petting Petunia, a solid weight in the world. He can hear Ashton in the kitchen, banging around loudly. Ashton isn’t usually loud in the kitchen when he cooks, prefers to sing quietly to the radio. It’s comforting, knowing that Ashton’s right downstairs, making as much noise as he can, so Luke knows he’s there. That he’s not going anywhere. 

Eventually, Ashton comes back upstairs, holding out a glass of water and a bowl of what smells like pasta. 

“Come on, you have to sit up,” Ashton says, placing the dishes on the nightstand and nudging at Luke. Reluctantly, Luke lets go of Petunia, sitting up and fighting against the rush he gets from being upright for the first time in hours. Petunia huffs her frustration and flops down in Luke’s lap, staring up at him with wide eyes. Luke rubs her ears until she closes her eyes, letting out a deep sigh and snoring. Ashton chuckles.

“Drink first, then food,” Ashton says, handing the glass to Luke. He takes it, sipping at the water. He hasn’t realized how thirsty he is, till he’s gulped down the whole glass, blushing when Ashton laughs at him.

“Better?”

Luke nods, handing the glass back to Ashton in exchange for the bowl. Ashton stands, going to the bathroom. Luke can hear the water running. Luke takes a bite of the pasta. He glances down, softening when he realizes that Ashton used the bowtie shape that Luke likes the most.

Ashton comes back, full glass in hand. He curls up next to Luke, resting his head on Luke’s shoulder as he chews and swallows. Luke doesn’t feel  _ better _ exactly, but he feels less like a ghost and more like a person now. 

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“Putting up with me. When I’m like... _ this _ ,” Luke says, gesturing vaguely. When he’s a ghost haunting their home, lifeless and too exhausted to do much more than lay in bed and listen to his broken record of a brain.

“It’s not putting up with you. I love you. You care about the people you love,” Ashton says. He leans over, pressing a soft kiss to Luke’s lips. Luke blushes, like he isn’t used to his boyfriend kissing him.

“I love you,” Luke mumbles. He rests his hand on top of Ashton’s, linking their pinkies together. Ashton smiles softly.

“Pinky promise to always take care of you,” Ashton says. 

“Pinky promise,” Luke says back. Ashton smiles, lifting up Luke’s hand and kissing their pinkies. Luke thinks his face is permanently red now.

“Do you want to lay here and watch a movie?”

Luke nods. It already feels like he’s used up too much energy as it is between eating and talking to Ashton. Ashton nods back, taking the bowl from Luke and manuerving them till they’re laying back in bed among the pillows. He finds the remote, flipping through their recordings until he finds the version of  _ Legally Blonde _ he knows Luke loves.

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you,” Luke says, burrowing his face into Ashton’s chest.

“I love you. I’ll keep telling that over and over again till you believe me.”

Luke smiles. He’s still too drained and the world is still too much, but at least he has Ashton. He’s always got Ashton.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr!](https://pixiegrl.tumblr.com/) Talk to me about Stardust, 5sos, Luke Hemmings, or you can sidetrack me by giving me more fic ideas!


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